3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize