So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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