Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
