I feel great
I just peed on a car
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
