while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
