He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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