We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
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