Michael Bay diarrhea
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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