Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
