Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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