walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
