I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
