it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize
