i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
