Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
