I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
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