I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize