we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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