In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
