Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Randomize
