Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
