its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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