If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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