I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize