that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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