How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
