omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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