I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
