he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
