Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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