There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
