I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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