My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i think my mom watched the whole time
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
