I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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