There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
