dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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