Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize