Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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