if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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