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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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