R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
