i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
