"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
i now understand why vodka
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize