i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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