This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
