do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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