idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Randomize
