My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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