Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
