Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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