There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
you had me at cake vodka
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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