I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
