You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
