I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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