Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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