I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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