"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
