I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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