it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
