u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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